Teacher And Student

Teacher : Why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Student : You told me to do it without using tables...
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Two students were fighting at the school... A teacher ask one of them..

Teacher: Why are you fighting?

Student : This fool left the answer sheet blank...

Teacher: So what?

Student: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied...

Girls At Aged....

What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story...

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed...

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed...

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed...

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed...

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Wrong Question At Wrong Time

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Things Go Better With....

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. Few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.

They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walkedup to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah.." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."

BASTARD

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: .....Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .....Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Lawer's BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,

"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

Man With Earings

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Jet Li & Steven Spielberg

Jet Li walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal: “Hey! That’s Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he’ll come over to say “hi”.

Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.

Li : “Hey!! What that’s for?!”

Spielberg : “You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you
bombed Pearl Harbour!”

Li : “I’m not Japanese! I’m Chinese!”
Spielberg : “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you’re all the same!”

Spielberg walks back to the other side. Then Jet Li calmly walks over to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.

Spielberg : “Hey! What that’s for….. !?!”

Li : “YOU BLOODY ASSHOLE! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!”

Spielberg : “No, I didn’t, an iceberg sank the Titanic!”

Li : “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same

Similarities Between Children & Pepsi

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the Custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won!

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners

Hmm? Which Sounds Better?

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Truth About Kiss

Kissing a woman at her....

FOREHEAD is Respect
At her LIPS is Love
CHEEK is Heroism
NECK is Lust

BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY.
Hahahaha

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch.

At a table was a large pile of apples.
A teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

Father

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

When friend replaced with father:

AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE.
MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOR.

Letter from boss to worker

Dear RomaNO,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

Yours truly

Manager

Letter from worker to boss

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely

Romano $ilva

What Cats And Dogs Thinking?

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me
.....They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care o me
..... I must be a god!

Mistakes

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style................

If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.................

If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation.............

If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..

If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law.........

If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention.

If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...........

If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory.........

If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!!

Working Jokes

Lawyer & Client

A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Interview
Interviewer: What's your qualification?
Applicant : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : What do u mean by Ph.d?
Applicant : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. .
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Ditective

A young man on an interview for the post detective.

Interviewer : Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Young man : Thank you sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating.......
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Dentist & Patient

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer & Waiter

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.


The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."



The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

P/S Are Bosses are the most hated person in the world?

Careful What You Ask For

One day a man spotted a magic lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said,
"I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever
succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife."

Moral of the story.. Think twice what you ask for...